Raccoon Correspondence

About 8 years ago the wooded area near my mother’s home was cleared to build a physicians office.  In so doing a number of woodland creatures were displaced and sought refuge elsewhere.  One fortunate pair of raccoons found their way into my mother’s attic (much to her chagrin).  After some days, my mother utilized a trap from the local shelter to capture the furry visitors and have them released into the wild.  Knowing the grateful nature of raccoons, I took it upon myself to act as scribe and sent my mother the following epistle on their behalf:

Kind Woman,

Thank you for assisting us in our relocation experience.  Your attic was a lovely way station on the long journey to our new home.  We found it warm and cozy and filled with a warm, pink substance that got caught in Wilhelmina’s eye and scratched her cornea.  We will, of course, be sending you the medical bill.  Nevertheless, we both had an enjoyable time in your attic.  Just a thought, you might want to run cable up there--it can get so lonesome on a quiet autumn evening.  Nothing makes a creature feel at home quite like an hour or two of animal planet…unless they’re playing a shark documentary, those are quite alarming.

Our new home in the forest is very quaint, though it lacks certain amenities as well.  I took the liberty of lifting some of the reading material I found in one of your boxes. Wilhelmina and I spend long nights in the branches reading aloud to one another.  I’m almost embarrassed to admit that Wilhelmina also helped herself to a few Barbie dolls to pass the time.  It has been quite amusing this Halloween season to rip their heads off, ferret them away in the squirrels’ stash, and then sit back and listen for those furry little busybodies to discover.  How we chuckle at their startled screams of horror.

I hope you don’t mind, but we have passed your address on to a few of our closest friends and relations.  You seemed so open to lending us shelter, we were certain you would be as hospitable to those who follow.  It should be a simpler matter now that we have established a sewage locale and lovemaking salon.  We figure with the kind of space you’ve got up there, you could host any number of hibernators as well as the passers by.  Someone will, of course, need to widen the sewage area, but it will be a simple enough matter.  Oh, and again, don’t forget the cable.

Well, I must away.  It seems Wilhelmina has a Barbie hand stuck in her throat.  She’s a sweet creature, but not particularly bright.  Thank you again for all your help.  Feel free to post this in the attic so others will know the forest is near.  Oh, and one last thing, we feel the transport cage is a bit primitive.  Perhaps a catamaran, or some sort of silk lined pallet might make a more comfortable mode of transportation...just a thought.

Affectionately,

Bendelbaum G. Coon and

Wilhelmina Vanderbilt Coon